I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
