So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
