I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize