Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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