My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize