Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
