if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
