Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
