How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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