i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
