i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
