Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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