just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
