your parents love me but you hate me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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