it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
