the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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