we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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