Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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