i don't like sucking hair
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
