you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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