I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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