I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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