Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
