every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
are you so shy because you have an std?
it hurts more in the daytime
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
