you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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