I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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