After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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