the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
