please come you make the beer taste better
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
