We need to rekindle our bromance
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
