this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
