tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
