Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
