Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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