I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
