I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
