you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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