I don't usually arrange sex via text message
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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