Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
