so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
