Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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