the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
