This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wear drunk well.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
