Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
