Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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