I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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