the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
