I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
