My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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