Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
