I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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