uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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