put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
