Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
