I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
