Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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