i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
