Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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