We won't sleep together?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
