What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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