so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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