your parents love me but you hate me
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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