I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
