Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
