Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
