I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
