Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
