So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
